No spark after a first date: should you meet again?

You had a pleasant time. They listened. You found things to talk about. But on the way home, you realised you weren't excited to see them again.

Does that mean you should stop there?

Our vote? Give it another date. If you had a pleasant time and there isn't a strong dealbreaker, a second meeting is worth exploring. One coffee is a small window into a whole person.

You might not have got past work, siblings and what you ordered. There is still their sense of humour to discover, a story you didn't get to finish, and a chance to feel a little more at ease together. You don't need to know where it is going to enjoy finding out a little more.

What the research can tell you

In two studies, researchers asked people about themselves before a series of four-minute speed dates. Their models could predict some people's general tendency to feel attraction, or to attract others. They could not predict a person’s unique attraction to a particular partner from those questionnaires. Joel, Eastwick and Finkel, 2017

That finding leaves room for what happens when two people meet. It does not prove that chemistry is meaningless, that all dating services work the same way, or that you should accept another date. The participants were university students, and these were brief speed dates, not a study of dating in Singapore.

Another research team combined 43 studies of existing couples. People's own reports about their relationship, including feeling appreciated and believing their partner was committed, were more useful for predicting relationship quality than individual traits. Predicting whose satisfaction would change over time remained difficult. Joel and colleagues, 2020

These were already-established couples. The finding cannot tell you whether the person across the café table will become a good partner. Neither study tested whether going on a second date improves your chances of a lasting relationship.

Separate what happened from what you guessed

After a date, try writing two short lines.

What happened: “They asked about my work, listened to the answer and shared something about their own week.”

What I made of it: “I felt at ease, but I'm unsure whether I'm attracted to them.”

This is an illustrative example, not a member story. Both lines matter. Keeping them separate can help you see what you know and what you are still trying to understand.

Perhaps there was a clear difference in what you want. Perhaps you felt talked over. Those are things to pay attention to. But if your main thought is, ‘It was nice. I'm just not sure yet,’ another meeting gives you more to go on.

Look at your part in the conversation too. Did you follow up on something they shared? Did you let them get to know you? A connection has two people in it.

Give the second date room to be different

At Kopi Date, we encourage more second dates when the first meeting was pleasant and there is no strong dealbreaker. That is our approach to dating, rather than a finding from the studies above.

Keep it easy. Another coffee, a walk, or a visit to that bookshop you both mentioned. Pick up a conversation you left unfinished. Leave a little room for a laugh and a detour.

You can say, “I had a good time. Fancy another coffee this weekend?” A simple invitation gives the other person room to say how they feel too.

Notice how you are together. Can you relax a little more? Are you both curious? Is there room for each of you to speak and be heard? You are getting to know a person, and learning how you connect with them.

If there was a strong dealbreaker, disrespect, pressure or an unpleasant experience, you don't need to give it another go. And if either person doesn't want to continue, respect that. Our encouragement is to give a pleasant connection room to unfold, with both people willing.

Dating with room to reflect

Handpicked coffee dates give you a place to begin. Guided reflection and Bar Chats help you make sense of what follows, so you can get to know someone and practise building a healthy connection yourself.

Start with a coffee. Be open to another. See the Kopi Date experience.